I handed this in just as Malcolm Gladwell’s longer, better takedown appeared in the New Yorker. So it goes!
Spoiler: This is the lowest grade I’ve ever given under the aegis of the AV Club.
BY A. Sorkin
DIRECTING NOTES BY D. Fincher
(not really)
INT. SOMEONE’S DORM AT HARVARD
MARK ZUCKERBERG walks and talks with HIS ROOMMATE WHOSE NAME DOES NOT MATTER as they both page through a paper face book.
HIS ROOMMATE: So are there lots of hot chicks in there?
MARK ZUCKERBERG: That’s what I’ve been searching for!
INT. GENERIC OFFICE IN CAMBRIDGE
A WINKLEVOSS, DOESN’T MATTER WHICH: So, we’re going to build a site where people can make fun profiles and put up pictures of themselves, and you’re going to be our awesome intern.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hmm. (Eats animal crackers.)
INT. HARVARD DORM ROOM WITH WHAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA OUTSIDE
MARK ZUCKERBERG: I fixed all the problems in their interface, and ta da!
HIS ROOMMATE: Whatcha going to call it?
MARK ZUCKERBERG’s eye goes to the bookshelf where he can see his old freshman textbooks, and…
MARK ZUCKERBERG: The Facebook.
INT. GENERIC OFFICE IN SILICON VALLEY
MARK ZUCKERBERG: No wait—just Facebook.
“Hurdy Gurdy Man” plays as millions of people are shown signing up for Facebook.
TITLE CARD: Four Years Later
EXT: CREEPY MANHATTAN TOWNHOUSE. MARK ZUCKERBERG, who looks curiously younger, waits nervously as A WINKLEVOSS comes to the door.
A WINKLEVOSS: I told you, we’re going to sue you and we won’t stop until you’re dead.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Please, all I want is my old computer back and then I’ll pay you off quietly.
A WINKLEVOSS: Follow me.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Not many people have basements on the Upper East Side.
A WINKLEVOSS: I do.
MARK ZUCKERBERG believes he’s about to die but it’s only HELENA BONHAM CARTER with crazy hair.
INT. JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, WASHINGTON D.C.
SOME SQUARE WHO LOOKS LIKE DICK CHENEY: I want the truth about Facebook!
MARK ZUCKERBERG: You can’t handle the truth!
SOME SQUARE: You only created it to meet hot chicks without leaving your room, didn’t you?
MARK ZUCKERBERG delivers an impassioned speech about the founding of social media to be written later, but mostly it’s the best thing that ever happened to the entire universe and if it is allowed to be taken down, everything will be destroyed forever. THE WORLD accepts this without question.
EXT. U.S. CAPITOL
As a news reporter talks about the successful acquisition of the Internet by Facebook, MARK ZUCKERBERG crosses in front of an American flag with a single tear in his eye.
NARRATOR WHO HAS NOT APPEARED IN THIS MOVIE BEFORE, PLAYED BY EDWARD NORTON: I am Mark’s smirking revenge.
Iris out. Iris in on MARK ZUCKERBERG falling into an imaginary abyss chased by wodges of cash as “Where Is My Mind?” plays.
END.
You know, there are probably better travel-related things the government could be working on—Cuba, NextGen, charging foreigners $131 for visas—but maybe this is actually a brilliant idea?
Two words for you Brady: Musical instruments.
Oh wait, I’m not done: When I was in college (that is, before the wave of checked-bag fees that have led to our current levels of carry-on proliferation) I traveled with a violin 3-4 times a year. While being longer than your usual backpack or suitcase, a violin case easily fits into an overhead bin (even the pull-down models common on smaller commuter planes), but contains cargo too fragile to be thrown in with other rolling bags. Nevertheless, the day came when an unsympathetic flight attendant forced me to gate-check my fragile instrument on a United flight between Chicago and Milwaukee, even though other passengers were happy to make room for it. I spent that 45 minutes quietly having a panic attack. The length rules would disqualify a violin case straight off the bat, which would have left me the option of mailing my instrument back and forth - pricey and really not safe either. (Hey, at least I wasn’t a cellist, they usually have to buy a 2nd seat for theirs.)
Okay, so that’s an obscure case, but think about how nearly every airline already has maximum sizes for carry-ons and doesn’t enforce them. Try putting your carry-on into one of those wire baskets at the gate and watch how many people look at you funny. The rhymes-with-blustertruck that would ensue should the government step in would in no way be proportionate to my annoyance at 32A sneaking 6 shopping bags into my overhead bin, and I have a lot of annoyance at 32A.
Let’s review, Internet:
James Ellroy friended me on Facebook. My own mother has not. Maybe she’s trying to keep hers exclusive, what with only having 2 friends (my two sisters), but… burn.
I did this the very first time I visited New York, when I was 5. My sister (age 3) and I walked all the way to the top, and it was worth it.
(via paulbrady)
